I nominate today as sacred to Aphrodite (Astro speak: Venus) not some obscure, mournful Catholic saint. Because let’s face it, the St. Valentine’s story is kinda depressing with creepy Oedipus/Electra overtones and who really wants to go there right? There’s also the Hallmark Victorian horror idea of ‘romantic’ and the teddy bears with demented grins (that hipsters will be buying en masse today because it’s ironic and besides they don’t care about love it’s like, commercial or whatever). Lupercalia, the original fun, pagan, version looks more suitable for our purposes, let’s have more of that! Also if you fracked up the dates and forgot your beloved, tell him you actually celebrate Lupercalia which is the original celebration and occurs on February 15 not the 14th. You’ll seem fascinating and bohemian; also Lupercalia has more naughtiness and less schmaltz – if the pictures below are any indication – so it’s a win-win really.
With a Full Moon today in the royal, confident sign of Leo our emotions and senses are on display. We all want to play the Queen and Venus in Capricorn requires very clear demonstration of your love via material evidence. Venus wants proof this year. If your lover/s is/are Capricorn or Leo – pay attention. These folks almost always want to know precisely where things stand (in the case of the Goat) and in the case of the Lion exactly how wonderful you think lover is (or he thinks he is and wants you to agree fulsomely). On this note, Gede Parma – you are marvellous, I adore you.
Here are a few brief tips for dealing with a lover on Lupercalia. Did I say dealing? I meant expressing your love on a designated day, selected at random and divorced from any kind of authentic impulse. Ahem. I bear no responsibility for the fact you don’t know your Sagittarius girlfriend has a Taurus Moon and Virgo Ascendant, which are a little more grounded and less free-wheelin’ than your average Sag. Also I use pronouns interchangeably here, k?
Aries: Let her pick the restaurant or activity and while you reassure her she is your one and only and the winner of your heart, let her know at all times she is in charge and you defer to her. Somehow manage to do this without being boring or obsequious. Do not mention the past, anyone else is a non-entity now, you only went there because she wasn’t in your world at that time. Observe the forms of the holiday – flowers or chocolates or whatever people usually do today, with a side of skydiving and exuberant ‘activity’. You may show devotion and love for ever and ever and ever, do not require the same back – Aries can have a hard time expressing the inner gooiness deep inside. It’s there though. Usually.
Taurus: Do not date a Taurus if you do not have money or the prospect of money or the capacity to spoil your Taurus in some sense. You cannot overdo indulgence, unless you look like you are wasting money that will reduce pleasurable and comfortable opportunities later on. Be sensible and reassuring, warm and indolent. Do not drag lover to a skydiving adventure. Eat leisurely at an expensive, quiet, elegant restaurant or dine in at home in supreme comfort. Eat well. You will need your strength. Your lover is a Taurus.
Gemini: Have a double date or dinner with friends, lampoon Valentine’s day and critique loony eyed couples on the other tables. Laugh a lot. I expect this table will be covered in a dizzying array of shiny balloons and objects… everyone have the phone handy and take lots of photos immediately posted to a number of social media sites showing everyone how you don’t really care about ideas like romantic love, yet how incredibly loved and popular you all are.
Cancer: Do not be extravagant. Think of what she really needs for winter and it better be elegant, comfortable and economical and wrapped in beautiful paper that is understated but somehow extremely chic. Home cooked meal in a clean and comfortable house is a must, decorated tastefully yet somehow every object evokes level 10 nostalgia. Reflect on any previous Valentine’s shared to date. If this is the first Valentine’s Day together; reflect how much better this one is and how miserably lonely you were before, ideally with photos. Head off the melancholy by looking to the future and children that have/will come and the happy times ahead. Then you may have a chance at practising at making those babies. Also, there should be a handmade card, ideally with pressed flowers you picked from your own cottage garden glued to the front of it; symbolising the relevant virtues you feel you need to express to your lover (future husband).
Leo: Leos are generous by nature, there will be some level of understanding of temperamental differences between you; that you might not be a HallMark card kind of guy, even unconventional but however you do it he requires displays of your loyalty and affection. Give him a chance to spoil you and receive everything graciously with maximum appreciation. No sycophancy though, the Lion loathes inauthentic flattery, it’s a kind of disloyalty. You actually have to worship them on some level. And then tell them, lots. Let him lead and appreciate fulsomely. Public displays of affection are also well received.
Virgo: Ideally you have planned in advance for this day. And also you have a short, medium and long-term plan for your relationship. Because she does. Oh yes she does. Virgos are Virgins in that they are particular, sweet and discrete; don’t send a stripper-gram because you think it is funny and ironic and besides Valentine’s Day is a commercial construct which is part of the system keeping us all enslaved to blind-consumerism. Virgo may agree but it is besides the point and also tacky. What matters is that you appropriately demonstrate your feelings without being elaborate, wasteful or strange (where anyone can see). That you show proper regard and consideration for her delicacy. Virgos are gentle souls, easily wounded. Don’t wound her. Show you love her, somehow – that reflects the delicate and exquisite connection you share. She’ll fold that memory deep inside her gentle heart, reliving the emotion little by little all year long.
Libra: Lovely Librans are ruled by Venus, who is all about the Love. All you have to do is somehow be beautiful, charming and tactful. Easy. Don’t get outrageously drunk and raucous on the date. If you date. Being an air sign, she won’t be too deeply troubled if you don’t make it a ‘thing’ today but she is still delicately sensitive. She is, as you may have noticed, indecisive and thus unsure what she really thinks of it all – by it, I mean everything; Valentine’s Day, relationships, love. I recommend that you hedge those bets: celebrate her, and love, and all of that stuff but also have a dialectical about what it means, whether it has meaning, what is the search for meaning etc. Any abstract conversation, philosophical and theoretical is the recommendation. Do not get into what she thinks of your relationship and do not ask her to make some kind of decisive statement about it; today or at any point. You will distress her or she may even make snap decision. Because she hasn’t had time to carefully balance the decision against her ego, feelings, desires, ambition, philosophical view, religious views, familial obligations and so on – she will not make the best decision. Which means you will probably get cut.
Scorpio: So you’re dating a sex addict. Actually, you’re probably just sleeping with the Scorpion, as he affects an air of non-committal nonchalance about your connection and you probably think he doesn’t really care deeply about you. This is called dating a Scorpio. In all likelihood you are quite wrong, he probably cares – but you won’t really know, he’s all about the mysteries. Not for a while at least, until he has reassured himself you won’t stab him in the guts once you’ve found his vulnerable spot. Which unlike most men is actually his heart not his crotch. He is incredibly self-protective – but that hard shell keeps at bay a tumultuous sea of passion that could drown you if released. Which you may suspect because you’ve been sleeping together since the first 5 minutes of your relationship. Learn to be resilient to the stinging defensiveness but don’t put up with that sh*t either. Call it. And learn to love it or date someone more delicate. If he is particularly snippy, he’s feeling nervous today. Conflicted by his longing for love and the fear of vulnerability it brings. If all else fails distract him with sex. That’s an intensity Scorpions can cope with.
Sagittarius: ‘Worse’ than a Scorpio when it comes to ‘we’re not dating but we’ve been sleeping together for a year now, but it’s totally not a relationship’ is Sagittarius. This can be quite a delightful thing for the more aloof, freedom loving and weird signs of the zodiac. When Sagittarius says it, she means ‘this is totally not a relationship’. Not in the standard sense. Her ideals are high and her need for freedom is extreme. If you have made the mistake of ‘doing something for Valentine’s Day’ with your Archer Lover it had better involve something exuberant and have that element of – ‘Oh you’re here too? Oh cool?”. Just casually invite her along – as if you don’t care, and it’s all cool but it’d be nice to catch up but you know, I’ve got some stuff on, which maybe I should do instead. And then direct the situation. If you fail to take the second step, you will just drift off trying to look nonchalant and end up all on your ownsome. This may happen anyhow. Recommend Lupercalia hedonism. That may elicit a response.
Capricorn: Again, being an earth sign don’t mess this up. Capricorns are conventional (however they define it, just remember they stick to it). They also like to be seen to be conventional and conventionally successful. You will have to dinner date, somewhere nice and somewhere you can be seen. Also, send some kind of public thing to her work or something. Apparently people like that kind of thing. I would find it mortifying. Don’t buy the miserable left-over roses. If you failed to plan, pay for the mistake or really, really pay for the mistake by upsetting your Goat Girl. Capricorns require material demonstrations of affection as well as a certain degree of emotional display (just not in public. You use the thing that you bought to demonstrate the emotional regard in public. Otherwise everyone might get embarrassed, get it?). If you have not planned you must spend today fixing it before she finds out. Elaborate picnic or something with gourmet food may be your only escape.
Aquarius: Aquarians are aliens. Affable, benign aliens but they kind of lack the expected social responses and are completely unpredictable on occasions such as these. Or any occasion. As a general rule of thumb, recycle or hand-craft something. Learn about edible weeds and collect some in a bouquet. We know we are being unfair, given our well-known spontaneity, if we get piqued about lack of adequate response from you on such occasions, but we will and do get snippy at times. We don’t know why. Do you want to hear the analysis of why we might do this? No? Really? But it’s sooo existential and fascinating. I’ll even be quoting Jung! Cover all bases, at worst – she just says oh, ok cool, that’s nice and is happy at your friendly generosity – at best you made her happy today when she decided to feel sentimental in a quirky way and she feels a little understood. If you can make Aqua think she is understood she is a happy little Alien.
Pisces: The Pisces is the soul of love, sentiment and emotional attachment. You are a rank bastard if you neglect him today or treat his expressions as silly. He began to plan this on Feb 15 last year. He really, really cares. He needs to know that you care too. So even if you think he is romantically just…too…much don’t wound his sensitive nature – concede him this one. He may even be slightly to moderately depressed because he is unsure you love him. So, if you do, let him know. If you don’t, don’t let him down today because then he’ll remember every Valentine’s Day after with a kind of doomy wistfulness and it will be all your fault. Valentine’s Day is like the annual Pisces Day. These folk often really think that romantic sentiments on cards are actually romantic. Because they are so easily touched and soft-hearted, not because they lack taste. Just love him and look after him, ok?