Unsolicited Love Advice / Valentine’s Message

Brosius_and_Bell_(3092928803)The annual festival of smug romantic exclusivity and poor gift choices rolls around again. We eye the lover wondering what awkward reciprocal forced expressions of our feelings we’ll mortify each other with … the contrived sweetness is saccharine, it’s not nourishing…dammit it doesn’t even taste good. If you have the poor form to be “without love” on this, most sacred of corporate corrupted Pagan rituals – you’d better dig a hole and dive into it with your jadedness and wait until those amongst us blessed with someone to foist unsolicited, anxiety laden gifts upon are done. Feb 15 will be here soon enough.

I have spent many Valentine’s “alone” and others “not alone” and I always groan as it approaches. The whole thing is ridiculous, we all know it, yet we either go with it or rail against it which means it’s triggering some deeper story, (it can help to look into that.)

When it comes to love-in-public I get awkward. I hate public displays of attachment or declarations of relationship status because a) I’m an Aquarius b) it seems beside the point.

“What!?” I hear you cry, you hate love? You cold, aloof woman you.

No. I LOVE love. I loooove it. I also really dig passion. Venus and Mars are constantly at it in Pisces in the part of my chart that rules love affairs. The partnership part of my chart has the Moon in Taurus so I’m kidding myself if I claim bachelorhood is a good place for me. I am almost always dreaming, imagining or scheming up some kind of love story.

The issue I have is that the sweet intoxication is commonly considered “love”. For a language cobbled together bits of other people’s languages English is irritatingly limited when it comes to words for relationships and connection. It’s hard not to drift into syrupy platitudes or vague new ageisms like:
Soul connection
Twin flame
Tantric connection
Or we get stuck in a binary definition of “sacred” (read, nice) love and “profane” (read, naughty) love. As if anything to do with love is neat and definable… well, not when the participants have their own destinies and growth to do.

All these ideas fall way short. And it’s just a (debatably) “more spiritual” way to describe the same exclusive, smug, “I’ve got it all sorted and we’re just sooo happy” kinda sh*t that doesn’t reflect the true experience of relationships. Relationships are FOR something. It’s not just magic that happens because you put it out there or put it up on your vision board. Each relationship serves a purpose and that purpose is as unique and individual as the people involved.

If I combine my chart with a lover’s I can see what we’ve come together to do and when the passion turns to conflict I can understand the source of the friction and work to support that better, if I want to. I can also see interactions of planets in our birth charts that might cause problems if they are not acknowledged. You can do this for any kind of relationship, family, friend, business because the principle is the same: 2 or more universes joining together to achieve a goal. Separate personalities trying to make it through, flowing together in some aspects and clashing in others.

Whatever your relationship status is you need to consider at least 2 things when thinking about relationships:

1. Where am I at right now with life and how does that fit with what I know about myself overall?
E.g. I need to be independent, that’s my thing, and I have a paradoxical way of approaching everything. But I’m not a loner. I get a lot of energy from intense, one on one time with other people in my life. I benefit from having a lover & companion but I don’t want the vagaries of dating and emotional shenanigans (right now, ha!) I’ve got too many other things taking up my time.

2. If I take number 1 into consideration and I decide to pursue a romantic/sexual relationship – or even a new friendship – I need to consider what that might look like and observe new connections with this in mind.
E.g. I need someone who mostly can match working hours coz I don’t have a lot of spare hours in my day, and my Ram baby is my number 1. Someone who has other stuff to do besides junking up my couch with their sexy bones because I’m not the most disciplined when that is a constant option. The vagaries of an ongoing casual connection are going to waste my energy because I am free wheeling with my outer life my inner life needs to be somewhat steady.

Ok..now for my ideal lover checklist.

PSYCH!!! NO!
There’s no ideal. Just lots of flawed human beings struggling to do it better than just reacting to the hand fate has dealt them. And, swear to goddess, some days if I can pull off one act from intention and not reaction or conditioning it feels like a win.

Just keep working on the “observing myself and what it looks like I need” and observing historical patterns, without self judgement, and how that supported Aim 1 or derailed Aim 1. I’m pretty sure that’s it. What are your thoughts?

If I have learnt anything in the adventures so far (and please goddess I hope I’ve learned something!) it’s that you will grow whether you fight it or flow with it, that’s what life is about and that it doesn’t even matter which attitude you choose – it’s just a different experience. It’s a basic principle of life, growth and decay. To grow other stuff has to fall away. Usually that other stuff is the crap we pull when we’re reacting from ego, and disconnected from our heart. Or what we think we need to finally “be happy”.

My standard defensive reaction is to eliminate anyone I can’t master and seize control – what’s yours? How’s it working for you… where is it really mucking stuff up?

The ascendant sign expresses instinctive reaction. I was born with Scorpio ascendant, so often when someone has connected with me emotionally I feel that makes me vulnerable. If I’m sleep deprived and god help him also hungry I may even explode and rant until I storm off or I hurt someone else’s heart and that reminds me I have a heart too and to reconnect with that. That totally didn’t just happen yesterday.

Of course there’s more to it than my ascendant sign – there’s my historical baggage, early conditioning etc but that stuff rarely lines up with who we decide we want to be – our core purpose – as Adults.

By working consciously to balance that part of myself that is freaked out and reacting I can respond in a way that isn’t just more pleasurable but also builds the kind of life I believe in and gives me space to be the person I really am. The sign opposite my rising sign is Taurus – this shows how to balance out that Scorpio reactivity. I create safe space for myself (so I don’t feel I need to protect myself) nourishing my body properly, rest (so my power is steady) and observe silently til I have worked out how I can make masterful response, not a controlling one. When the challenging parts of myself are supported deliberately, with intent, the light of my Sun (Aquarius) can shine steadily. And only then do I love. Then am in my heart and all the other aspects of my psyche fall into place. I find my power, I gain energy, I feel joyous in my own company and safe enough to connect with the presence of others.

Ah the heart!  Yes I got back there in the end! That universal symbol of romantic schmaltz…even tomorrow in the midst of all the silliness we are called to think about Heart. We only have one and we must make it strong. Explore what you think Being in your Heart means for you. Have a look at the qualities of your Star sign. Then add anything else you’ve worked out you need:
– For emotional and physical wellbeing (Moon)
– To communicate and express your thoughts comfortably (Mercury)
– In order to show your sweet and romantic side safely (Venus)
– to express your sexuality, desire & energy authentically (Mars)

As much as possible we need to know these aspects of ourselves without judgement (too sentimental, too passionate, too introverted – bah!). Then we need to work to meet those needs in ourselves to some degree. When we can do a lot of this ourselves & don’t need as much from others we don’t get so rocked around by their shifting needs, actions/words or inability to recognise & meet our needs. We have made our own security. We have made a lovely, respectful boundary. We can then recognise the boundaries of others and work with the space in between to make something gorgeous.

When you work all of that out let me know. This stubborn Aquarian has a looong way to go and is going to go balance that fierce Scorpio Ascendant of hers with a nap.

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